K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
