my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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