Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize