my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
