she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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