I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
