nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
