I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize