I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
