She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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