drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
