I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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