can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I think my vagina is haunted
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
