I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
