I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize