I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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