the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
