I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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