You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
