Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
