Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
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