I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
