He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
