I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Houston, we have a squirter
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
