Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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