Please, let me fuck your mom
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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