Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize