You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
