I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
NoShamevember. You game?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
