actually, I'm a sock model
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
