I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
