Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
