Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
