Please, let me fuck your mom
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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