Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
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