birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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