i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
