I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
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