I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I think I sprained my soul last night
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
