Kareoke will never be a sober sport
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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