someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
