dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize