Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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