It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
