I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
you will always have a special place in my vag
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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