im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
