I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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