Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
