and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
