I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
two words...techno handjob
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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