I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
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