Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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