I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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