I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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