Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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