i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
