I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
