She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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