So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
