You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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