I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
