At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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