pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
well, you know. whores of a feather.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
